Becoming.

I kind of see 2012 as my year to prepare myself, my marriage, and my home for welcoming a child. I don't know what that means exactly, but it's something I feel in my heart, this draw to be a mother. There were moments throughout my twenties when I didn't even know if I wanted to have children. Maybe I would be one of those people that chooses having a career over having children, I thought. I spent 2010 praying for my future children, and I ended the year more unsure of motherhood than when I started it. Now, I know deep within my being that I want to be a mother, and I am ever so grateful for this feeling that I wasn't sure would come. One day, when I talk to my child about the moments that led me to becoming a mom, I will mention how so many of my friends had kids before me, and inspired me with the joy and grace that they mothered and fathered their children with. I have been surrounded by so many of these types of friends this year, including this one right here. 

This is my dear friend Laurel with her daughter (and our goddaughter!) Robin. We were lucky enough to see them a couple of weeks ago, despite their living across the country in Tennessee. And this is me attacking Robin's tummy...

a seemingly appropriate ending to an overly serious post.

Family shenanigans.

Family is the best. Sixteen people in one cabin for two nights to celebrate my cousin's eighteenth birthday. There was lots of love, snow, tubing, food, rapping, and late night shenanigans.

Snow angel.

 Alpine slide.

Ready for tubing.

Family chain.

Cousins!

Snowman.

Feeding the ducks.

Jacuzzi on the lake.

Fishing.

Sunset.

Brother.

Birthday cake.

Our celebratory picture after we all jumped into the freezing lake (33 degrees F!) at night. 

We are crazy, fun, and we love each other a lot.

This is what my day at work looked like yesterday.

Senior beach day.
Mission Beach, San Diego.
It turned out to be a beautiful day after all.

Celebrating love.

(Picture taken in my neighborhood.)

We had a couple mini celebrations for Valentine's Day this week- exploring artwork, dinner out, sake bombs, and a photo booth. I'm not the biggest fan of Valentine's Day, but I do love love.

(Have you ever been in a photo booth that only takes three pictures? Shouldn't they all take four? I have to admit I felt like I didn't get the full photo booth experience. The fourth picture was going to be funny faces, the best one, but we only got to take three.)

I love how this quote from St. Augustine so beautifully describes love. 

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being 'in love' which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from the branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

-St. Augustine

I wrote it in Matt's anniversary card a couple of years ago, and it still makes me smile, as it paints a beautiful picture of true, resilient love.  

(Pictures of us celebrating Valentine's Day together.)

Happy Valentine's Day.

(This year I made my own card for Matt, and this is the front. This picture was taken on his 30th birthday this past September. I'm not really a big fan of Valentine's Day because it seems kind of contrived, but each year we like to have a little celebration, exchange cards, and write lovely words in them.)

A Little Reflection on Love 

(A journal entry I wrote in the days leading up to Valentine's Day. It is the time of year to think about love, after all.)

The older I get and the deeper I get into marriage, the more I realize that love really is a choice. According to Erich Fromm in The Art of Loving, which I recently read an excerpt from thanks to a recommendation from a few students, "Love is an activity, not a passive affect; it is a 'standing in' not a 'falling for.'" Love isn't just a feeling, something we fall into and stay in, but it's something we have to actively work on and give attention to. Love is a choice, something we have to put effort into on a daily basis, and if we do that, the rewards are great. Sometimes, the romantic feelings come after making the choice to love. 

Matt and I were taught this yet again last week. We got into a pointless fight, got mad at each other, couldn't see the situation from each other's perspectives, and we each focused too much on being right. We are two stubborn human beings with a lot of flaws. In the end, we just had to make the choice to move on and forgive. We didn't solve anything, and it didn't matter. We chose to love, and then we found happiness in ourselves and each other again. Oftentimes, the feeling of being in love comes after choosing daily to love someone, and that choice can be one of the most empowering aspects of life.